June 15, 2012

I hate you...

Tonight something happened. I had one of those moments. You know, the kind that you always hear about... but you kind of think, maybe we'll never go through that. Then when it happens and all is said and done, you sit back and think..."Ooooh, that was it." Well tonight we confronted the "I hate you moment." Wait, don't go!! I promise it gets better. It didn't go at all like you see it in the movies, and SO much good came from it. Here's how it unfolded... I tucked the girls into their beds and came straight to the computer and sat down to start typing. I hadn't even had time to touch the keyboard when Morgan came walking in behind me. I asked her what she needed, and right away I could tell something was weighing on her mind. Let's see...what were her exact words? Oh, yes..."we need to have a conversation." Hesitantly, she began to speak. "Well, I need to tell you something, but I'm scared to say it." This is how she starts anytime she tells me something she is embarrassed about, or worried that she might get in trouble over. "Go ahead", I encouraged her. "Well, I don't think I can tell you." "Morgan, you can tell me anything, now go on." In a very worried voice, she began to explain. "Well, sometimes when I get in trouble, and you send me to my room, well...I get angry." "Uh-huh",  I nodded for her to continue. Stammering on she added, "And well... I know it's not good, and it's not true. I mean... I don't mean it, and I don't know why I say it." "Morgan, what are you trying to tell me?" She lowered her head and said quietly, "it's about the H word." "Hate?", I asked. "Yes", she said softly. Tears sat puddled on the lower lids of her eyes, and her honesty and vulnerability melted me. She continued,  "When I turn the corner to go down the hallway, I stomp my feet and I whisper under my breath that I hate you. But I promise I don't mean it and I don't know why I say it." Now, if there is one thing that I'm confident about, it's the love that I share with my girls. Instinctively I scooped her up in my lap and said, "well, I love you anyway." My little girl, so innocent and tender. I asked her quietly if she understood what that word means. She shook her head, and I explained that when you hate something, you don't want it to be a part of your life. We looked up the definition of the word and by the time I read it she was sobbing. Pleadingly she explained that she didn't know it meant that, and that I'm the best mama in the world. She would never want me to not be a part of her. "I'm so sorry, mama!" I held her tightly and assured her that nothing she could say would ever make me stop loving her. We talked about feelings and how everyone gets angry sometimes. How learning to control that anger is the part that's challenging. I told her that I probably whispered the same thing to Nina when I was a girl. Then I sat back and said, look at us now - we're best friends! She smiled and nodded. Here is where it gets really good. She was feeling much better and just as I was about to send her back to bed, she asked..."can we have a Mama and Morgan date soon?" And in the name of spontaneity it just came out..."why not now?", I asked.  She looked confused..."huh?" "Quick", I said. "Go throw some clothes on!"

 We quietly slipped out at 9:45 on a Thursday night and drove to Starbucks. We laughed the entire time. At a stop light on the way there, she looked out the window and exclaimed. "People are out walking at this time of night?!" You see, 9:45 is a big deal when you're six! (I'm over-using six since I only have one week left to use it!)

Watching them make our drinks.

She wanted to wear her masquerade mask and cheerleading skirt.... good for you girl!

Everything she said while wearing "the mask" was even funnier because she didn't even look like herself.

Don't forget the whip!!!

When ever she wears this big claw she refers her hairstyle as, "The Tornado".

I love moments where she is completely herself....regardless of who is watching.

We "did cheers" five times.... Just to be safe!

Thank you God for the tender conscience of this child. Please help me figure out how to maintain and preserve it. Amen.

Oh, what's that? You want to know what I'm thinking now? Well, I'm glad you asked! See, parenting is tough sometimes. When you decide to have a baby, you think about coos and kisses and cleaning up messes. Sleepless nights with a fussy baby are your biggest concern. Then that baby grows up, and they ask lots of questions, sometimes hard ones. Situations arise that require a lot of prayer and consideration before you can decide the best way to confront them. Tonight, my girl came to me. She needed me to comfort her, to tell her it was okay. I know that as the years go by, not every tough conversation will lead to a "drop everything and run to Starbucks moment". I'm happy to take it one mile at a time, and tonight it did. There have been many times where I've looked back and felt like I got it wrong, and with all of the second guessing that parenting sometimes brings... I'm happy to celebrate a moment that I feel confident about. Moments like the one tonight, well...it may seem small to some. But I feel like these are the moments that will pave the way for our relationship in the years ahead. I want her to know that she can come to me with her thoughts, big or small. Tonight reassured her of that. It's my prayer that we will always have an open line of communication, regardless of the consequences that may follow.  Six-year old girls are sometimes sassy. I'm pretty sure that's well documented. My girl can be sassy with the best of them, but she has a tender heart. Knowing that she is so mindful of the feelings of others, it makes me smile that in our "I hate you moment", she "whispered it under her breath". SO you could say that I'm entirely grateful for the night we had. Through her vulnerability and humility, we were able to connect in a way that has strengthened our relationship. I love her. She grew inside of me. I've cared for her. Nurtured her. Disciplined her. Hugged her. Kissed her. Encouraged her. I know how she feels about me, she shows me everyday. No words are needed for that. I know.

Happy Friday everyone! If you are interested in following along with me on this blog, then by all means, please do!! You can join at the right hand side of the screen. Have a wonderful weekend!!

June 12, 2012

Don't Think, Just Jump

Well, here goes...I guess I'm officially a "blogger".  Something about myself... I tend to over think pretty much everything that I do. Do you remember when you were a kid and you finally got the nerve to jump off of the high diving board? It was super scary, but you just had to do it because you knew something good could come from it. Once you did it... it was amazing, but it took guts. That's kind of where I'm at. This is intimidating, and there are 100 things I could tell myself right now that would have me slowly feeling my way back toward the safety of the ladder, but I'm going to tell my mind to hush for a few minutes. I'm going to step to the edge, and jump. Take a chance on something that just might make me feel amazing. So, that's something that may come in time. Right now? Right now I feel pretty funny, like I'm typing into a wide abyss. When I hit post on Facebook, I know that at least a few people will read what I write. If not because they want to, because they haven't taken the time to block me and my posts just keep appearing in their news feed. Furthermore, a few people will take the time to hit "like", or leave some kind words. This, here... I feel like it's just me, and at least for the moment... that makes me laugh. Anyway, assuming there is someone willing to read this, I'll go on. So, a blog, huh? I guess I should start by saying that although I read very few, I'm well aware that there are thousands of blogs out there. I've really only recently entertained the thought of starting a blog. What inspired those thoughts you wonder? Mostly, I was moved by all of the encouragement I was receiving on Facebook. Also, the idea of having an outlet to entertain my love for writing while creating a time capsule of sorts for my girls became too tempting for me to resist. I know that I'm not the greatest "technical" writer. I use way too many "quotations" and ...'s. It would probably make any grammar teacher cringe. If you are looking for a blog where, all, of, the, commas, are, appropriately, placed...this may not be the place for you. It's not that I'm completely uneducated in these areas, but sometimes my brain moves faster than my fingers. I like to feel emotion in what I write, and sometimes I feel like I just need a good... to add a dramatic pause. Or some quotations to add emphasis. I like for my words to come across with the same expression that they would if you were listening to my voice. If I was overly concerned with sentence structure and punctuation, I'm afraid I would lose some of that expression and emotion. I don't want to feel like I'm writing an essay, but that I'm writing my story. I promise you that I will try not to overwhelm you with run on sentences because that could get really old and I want you whoever you are if there is anyone out there reading this to walk away with a smile. Even if the commas are misplaced, and the ...'s are over used... I will try to write in a way that's easy to read and follow. Now, moving on. This is new, and I don't really know the "direction" that I want to take it. I do know this... I love God, I love my husband, I love my girls, I love my family, I love my friends, I love photography, and meeting new people, and belly laughs, and thunderstorms, and musicals, and music, and the beach, and glitter, and cooking, and reading, and adventures, and LIFE. The list could go on and on. I want to write about things that I like, even love. I promise I won't overwhelm you with the details of my fifth car repair in three months or my never ending laundry pile. I want to keep it real, but I want you to WANT to continue reading. Just remember that because I'm not writing about all of the drama that occurs in my day, it doesn't mean it's not there. While some people might find it interesting in that "I'm passing a bad wreck and I feel the need to slow down and stare" kind of way, that's not exactly what I'm going for. I'm sure that I will include things that overwhelm me from time to time if I feel like it could be of use, but I promise to avoid all of the gory details. When I'm 80, I want to have something to look back at and smile. If I can encourage you or make you smile along the way, well then jump on board my friend. I should warn you, my life is so far from perfect, and many would say it's less than exciting. You will probably never read about my travels to exotic lands, or extravagant shopping sprees. But, there will probably be numerous posts that involve trips to the park, or a rendezvous at Target. So, stayed tuned for the adventures to come. By the way, the blog name I landed on was a combination of SEVERAL different suggestions I was given by friends. Thank you to anyone who helped me brainstorm. Just to clarify, I'm aware that the correct spelling in the expression "Take A Break", is B-R-E-A-K. Yes, it is intended to be a play on words. Victoria Brake - "Take A Brake". Ohhhh, I hear the collective sighs of realization. I'm sure that my 6 year old could have figured that out so please forgive my ego, I felt the need to explain. Oh, and one last thing. Every good story is even better with a photograph. My plan is to incorporate photos of my life into my writing on this blog. Seeing as how I'm still figuring this thing out, I thought I'd start slow. I'm sure that my amazing talented designer of a husband will spruce my page up in time, but I wanted to leave you with at least one picture to start. So, here ya go. This life? It's gonna fly by, whether we enjoy it or not. This day...I will do my absolute best to be content with what I've got. I will strive to laugh and be present for my babies. One day at a time... try it with me. Live today like it's your first time dancing in the glow of the sunrise!! 

Blog post number one - CHECK.